You know that feeling you get when you’ve been spinning around really really fast, everything is a blur, and you feel confused, exhilarated, and a little bit pukey? Prepare yourself, as that’s what you get when you play Muscle March on the Wii.

Rating: E10+
Players: 1-4
Genre: Action
Publisher: Bandai Namco
Release Date: January 18, 2010 (North America)

BUY

The confusion started when my boyfriend was a little too eager to download easily the most camp game I’ve ever seen onto the Wii, a game mainly comprised of oiled up blokes, babes and bears in speedos that leave nothing to the imagination. It continued when we were greeted with this.

In the single player, you play as a chain of body builders. No single entities here, oh no. You’re quite happy pumping iron at the local gym, with your gym buddies that seem to share your stylist, and your face. Even the female character Brenda carries the gene mutation. As to why the only terrifying muscle woman in the game is said to be British, I’m not sure, I don’t know whether to be proud or mildly offended. As for the polar bear, I can only assume he has only just started his gym membership, he has a bit of a beer belly going on.

Being so buff doesn’t come naturally, so, you must employ a bit of help in the form of protein powder. Unfortunately, other people and things are after your special stuff, they steal it and run off with it. The only logical thing to do is chase them down in your speedos through the streets and off buildings in an orderly queue. Unfortunately, the people/aliens you are chasing have had a munch on your protein powder, and you guys haven’t had your fix. This means that despite your ultimate figure, they can run through walls, and you can’t. You play as the last bodybuilder in the queue following the thief through the walls. In basic terms, the aim of the game is to YMCA your way through the thief-shaped holes in the walls with the Wii remote and nunchuck, whilst unintentionally ogling your current character’s wiggling derriere.

I think I’m in love.
As time goes on, the AI-controlled bodybuilders in front of you gradually eat bricks and fall out of the queue because they didn’t flex their fine muscles fast enough. This means you move a little bit closer to the front of the queue, and your reflexes need to be that little bit more responsive. This is all good in theory, but unfortunately the controls are unresponsive for a game that’s centred around quick reactions. By the time you’ve realised that the controllers haven’t quite registered your perfect pose that even Arnold Schwarzenegger would have been proud of in his Mr Universe days, you’re already eating dirt. As for graphics, you can’t even see what backgrounds there are when you’re playing because your eyeballs are too busy bleeding, and the gameplay quickly becomes repetitive as the only things that change on each level are the thief and the route of the chase. If you’re looking for a game experience that will touch your mind and your heart, this game might not be for you. If you’re happy with rainbows, utter confusion and a good laugh, this game doesn’t disappoint.

The greatest thing about this game is that it’s rubbish, and that it knows it’s rubbish. It completely revels in it, from the cheesy J-Pop to the baby chick suffocating in one of the character’s afros. Anyone expecting a gaming masterpiece is insane, and Namco Bandai know it. This unashamedness leads to a truly unique game experience. Whether or not it’s one you want to have it a different matter altogether.

There is only so long you can play this game before the fun melts away, and the shame and awkwardness kicks in. Unless you’re drunk and surrounded by similarly drunk friends watching you play, in which case this may be the most awesome thing you’ve seen since watching a bar of soap expand in the microwave until it turned into the Stay Puft man (don’t try this at home, kids – watch it on the internet).

However short-lived the game may be, you’re only paying 500 Wii points (five US dollars) for a uniquely fun party game, or a quietly amusing single player game which you play in the dark with the curtains closed.

Overall, Muscle March is a game worth buying just to have your mind blown, then rearranged back together upside-down.