I almost thought about writing an article on the games I’d played in 2011 that I never reviewed (hint: it’s most of them), but then I didn’t know what I would write about Bethesda’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Well, I did know, and it was one sentence: “Why did I buy this?” 

That, friends, would not be fair to such a huge, critically-acclaimed game. So, I’ve teamed up with Summer, who is a great friend who’s new to GamingAngels (but if you’ve listened to our podcasts, you know her well). She also happens to be playing Skyrim, so together we’re going to bring you our misadventures. And oh, we are definitely not kidding about the “mis-” part of that word. We’re writing to one another about our exploits and frustrations, and taking Hipstagrams the whole way. Because really. There’s no better way to document such a moody landscape, right?
NOTE: We are mature people playing an M-rated game. Therefore, we use M-rated language in this post (and every other post in the series). Additional note: The format is totally inspired by Kirk Hamilton’s and Leigh Alexander’s letter series on Final Fantasy VII. I will never deny it.

Hey there, Summer.

I choose you to commiserate with mostly because you’re the only other person in my world who isn’t all, “OMGYAY SKYRIM FUS RO DAAAAH,” you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, you’re actively chronicling all the ways you die, for heaven’s sake. You don’t do that unless you’re…you know. Maybe not in complete love with it. Or I could have it all wrong. You tell me

Anyway, I figure people might be into reading the ramblings of two people who are, at best, ambivalent about Skyrim. Or at least two people who can be funny as hell about not liking it, at worst. Or people who like us will read it! That also works. Any of the above, really. As long as they don’t come out of this thinking I like Skyrim. Because I don’t.

So, the other day, I downed my first dragon. I know you’ve done this already, but I take my time with this stuff. Lydia sure is useless-seeming, isn’t she? I would have preferred a pony, especially since I don’t have a horse yet.

ON THAT NOTE. I already have a bit of a criminal record in Whiterun. I don’t pay attention to the time of day in these games, and I wanted to buy a pony (or try to, anyway), but that was not going to happen because it was apparently midnight or something. I don’t even know. It was just dark and there wasn’t a soul outside to talk to about it. So I went inside the house there.

Now, this is apparently what they call “trespassing.” Oh. I didn’t know I actually had to pay attention to the “law” or whatever they call it here. So I was sent by the Jarl’s magic man to get the tablet from the thingy just two minutes ago, I get outside the city, and I’m pretty much immediately arrested…and taken back into the city.

The next time, I didn’t bother with trying to talk to the guy, I just took that damn horse. And even though no one even saw me do it, there’s immediately a bounty on my head! (That…makes no sense to me. What’s the deal with being able to sneak around if I can’t even steal stuff randomly?) Oh, and then I got off the horse in the middle of a field, get back on it, and then…the bounty is applied again. Um, what? I didn’t steal the horse again. It’s the same old stolen horse. It didn’t even go home! Do horses know how to go home? THIS GAME’S MORALITY DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO MY CRAZY HEAD.

ANYWAY, now I’m the Jarl’s number-one lady Nord. (Or is that what he tells all of the girls?) The guards, none of whom saw me take the horse, all get a good look at me (EVEN WHILE WE ARE KILLING A DRAGON, AS I MENTIONED EARLIER) and go, “I know you!” What? No, you don’t. Shh. Don’t bother with me. But now that I am the Jarl’s best-good friend, I just tell them that. It’s enough to get them off my back, but I’m tempted to give them the 100 gold just to get them to shut the hell up.

I think I got slightly off track with this. So, uh, how is your Skyrim life? Or how did it start? Girl needs updates.

-Tiff

Tifferiffic!

Despite holding the world record for number of deaths before reaching the double digit levels, I think I may be having a better experience in Skyrim than you!

I, too, was highly disappointed in the Jarl giving me Lydia as a “reward” for killing that dragon. I mean, I would have liked a house because I need somewhere to keep my ten thousand tankards and all the potatoes Skyrim has to offer, you know? But NOOOOOOO. He gives my Dunmer, Bellona (who has the bitchingest white mohawk ever, by the way), Lydia. She of the completely useless (unless you count the fact that I can make her carry all my shit so I can pick up more shit).

Funny you should bring up Lydia, though. So, the other day, we’re making our way through some Dwemer ruins. And it’s taking awhile (because I suck and have to die every time we run into something that has a mind to kill us). As per her MO, Lydia has to run directly in front of me while I’m casting spells or swing my sword around. I try to heal her, but there’s just so much I can do while being the worst gamer in the history of video games, you know? After about the 18th or 19th I’ve been killed by a Falmer or chaurus or whatever, we come up to this gate that needs a key to open it. We have no key. I also realize, about this time, that we are also not doing the quest I thought we were doing. So. You can’t fast track out of caves and ruins, I guess, so we have to backtrack all the freaking way back through the ruins to the open space.

This was not okay with Lydia.

We’re about halfway back to the mainland where you can fast track when we run across this area that had previous been booby trapped with falling boulders. While this may have been a little of a PTSD trigger for Lydia (one of the times we died, she got crushed by some boulders there), I still feel that what she did next was a shocker. Get a load of this: she turns on me and kills me. Can you freaking believe that bullshit? Of course, I was so shocked by this inevitable betrayal (seriously, how long would you follow someone of my ineptitude?), that I pretty much just stood there and let her kill me.

So. Yeah. We start back up from the last save point and since I know where this is going to lead and that’s the only path we can take, I have to send her back to Whiterun on her own so I can get through the rest of the ruin without being killed by my help. I mean, she has a lot of loot on her that I need to sell for some gold, you know?

At any rate, I would have preferred a pony as well despite my fear of the digital horse (thank you very much, Red Dead Redemption).

-S

Summer —

So, that’s totally fine if you die a lot. I think about it this way: If someone were asking me to go into caves and kill spiders and chase after swords and tablets, I’d probably trip on a rock and die on the way in. So the fact that Aria (that’s my girl) even makes it through the door (do caves even have doors? Not really) is something to be applauded. So, hooray! Same goes for your mohawk’d Bellona.

It’s especially funny that I mentioned Lydia at all, because until you wrote me, I didn’t know that I could take her anywhere. I just kind of ran by her and said, “You’re kinda nice-looking for my housecarl,” then went on my way. Ahahaha, I am so hopelessly bad at this game. Perhaps because some parts of it require me to actually pay attention. I made the next part of my personal mission actually picking her up and taking her somewhere. And you know, that totally would have been a grand idea if not for the fact that I was out in the middle of fucking nowhere, completely lost. And you can fast track places? Oh god, now we really know how bad I am.

But before I made Lydia a goal, I was trying to climb a mountain. The Jarl of Useless Gifts told me I needed to go see the Greybeards? Grey Wardens? Wrong game? Grey somethings. I know they live on a mountain. So…I just went until I saw a mountain that looked like the right one, with a road that appeared to kind of go up it. Yeah, the road was a lie. Five minutes later, I’m just doing whatever the hell I can to just head in the general “up” direction. I ran into some bandits, beat the hell out of them, then eventually…I was just stuck. So I ran back down the mountain, which is a lot more like forest basejumping than anything else, or just hopping from safe stone to safe stone, and ran into a crazy lady and some crazy magic-casting people. And then a giant beat my skull in. So I respawned back at the place where I inexplicably found bandits living…you know, on the side of a mountain, surrounded by nothing at all.

At least from there, I was able to head back in a direction that made sense. To a town that made sense. Riverwood! I had been there before! Of course, I still had to remember
how to get back to the Jarl, but…familiar territory!

I fell down some waterfalls and made it back to Whiterun. And Dragonsreach. So now I have Lydia. I kind of don’t know what to do with her, though.

So far, I’ve explored the Jarl’s quarters, including meeting his spoiled brat children. Wow, have you seen them? I would like to beat their heads in, but that might make me the opposite of a Thane. But they’re so annoying.

Oh, and speaking of gold, I decided to try and make some. I sold all of what I thought was extra stuff. It was not extra stuff. Now, she’s…well, photo attached.

-Tiffany

Attached: AriaNoClothes.jpg

Hey, Tiffany -

Well, you can fast track to places but only to places you’ve already been to (and you can’t be in a house or ruins/caves). I get lost a lot, too (even with my Clairvoyance), so it’s nice to be able to fast track back to some place familiar and start all over again… I’m suddenly becoming aware of why Bellona always looks so pissed off…

I had a hard time finding High Hrothgar and the Greybeards, too! For a building on top of the highest mountain in the land, I thought it would be easier for me to find. Of course, that would be assuming I have any level of navigating competence in life. Anyway, since I’ve been there and back I picked you up a postcard! While it may have taken me four hours to find the Greybeards, it wasn’t a total snoozefest. Well, I mean, a good  chunk of it was straight out of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, but the rest of it was pretty awesome. I didn’t die every five minutes! And I pulled the heart out of some rogue hiding out in an abandoned fort or something (I honestly don’t even know where I was)! And I killed two trolls! It was great! I also learned how to make an iron knife and a hide helmet! I was on a roll.

I had to send Lydia back to the Jarl after our last correspondence, but I find her to be helpful with carrying everything I can’t carry. Bellona, on the other hand, seems to find her useful in other aspects (as the attached incriminating evidence alludes to). I don’t know. I think Bellona has some serious relationship issues.

-S

Attached: Bellonahasahelmetfetish.jpg